I use this blog for several purposes. One of them is to create a journal of sorts.
What follows is an account, more for myself than for anyone else, of an incident of my past behavior--of a failure that plagues me.
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I have many regrets related to the way I've lived out my belief that I am called to be a prophet but nearly all of these regrets are connected to what I said and did in the first few months to perhaps year or so of that journey.
When I embraced that calling, I was flooded with emotion more powerful than I'd ever experienced and (small v) vision in brighter colors than I had ever seen.
And, in my anger, at times, I sinned.
I have had no mentor in walking in this calling. Far more people have opposed me for even believing in APEST and, then, for attempting to live it out obediently, than have either been supportive, or even neutral to it.
Walking this path has been difficult but, with trust in the Lord and His Word and with experience, I believe I've learned how to be a reasonably faithful steward of my calling.
But, I do have one fairly recent regret.
It's been about a year since the event and about a half year since the regret began to set in.
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In July 2016, George Jensen emailed me, on behalf of the ERC Commission on Church Renewal, asking me to supply the name or names of leaders at Faith so that the Commission could begin a conversation with the congregation related to the future relationship between the Conference and Faith.
I responded in the most positive and productive way I can imagine.
George's note itself displayed serious misunderstanding about the nature of the community at Faith.
So, I wrote to George saying that, based on his characterization of Faith in his note, if the Commission hoped for a positive outcome, it would need to have some background.
I suggested that he, as Commission representative, and I have some conversation in confidence, in which I would speak frankly about Faith and, at the same time, I would have separate conversations, with people here, to prepare the way for positive interaction between congregation and Commission.
(I've detailed all of this in the past.)
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I don't know who people think I am.
Occasionally, I catch wind of gossip spread about me and of things said behind my back and I can only assume that George, who has known me since the first day he showed up at seminary, must now buy into the gossip and rumors.
George, to my stunned amazement, rejected my offer to serve as an informal intermediary between Faith and the Commission.
His reasoning shocked me.
He suggested that, in our confidential conversation, I'd make (his word) "proposals" intended to manipulate the process and, because of that, to be fair to the Commission, he couldn't participate in the conversation I proposed.
How he, who'd known me for decades, would think that, baffled and, honestly, insulted me.
And, I began to lose perspective.
I sent George a reply in which I insisted, honestly, that my only motive was to enhance the likelihood of a positive outcome for the conversation.
And, George actually responded saying that he would participate in the confidential conversation I proposed.
Yet, by then, it was too late for me.
Rightly or wrongly, I was stuck on my impression that George's initial response was rooted in gossip, rumor and innuendo and not in our decades-long personal knowledge of each other. I mistrusted his mistrust of me.
At that moment, and remember that this was shortly after the Credentials thing, I'd just had too much.
Incidentally, the premise for the Commission's action was that I'd recently been defrocked and that the Conference had to make decisions regarding Faith since I was no longer credentialed. I believed then and still believe that they were lying about that to justify themselves.
I told George that the Conference still had not informed me that action had been taken regarding my credentials. I insisted that I wouldn't do anything further until my status with the Conference was clarified. To this date, my status with the Conference still has not been clarified.
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Yet, this is where my regret lies.
In spite of the gossip and rumors spread about me since I began to live as a prophet, I've normally found it easy to turn the other cheek.
As a rule, I can turn the other cheek easily because I understand that what I myself say and do causes people to chafe.
Yet, I didn't turn the other cheek with George.
Just what was different about this one instance, I still can't say for certain.
I only know that I regret how I handled the situation.
And, that, ultimately, I withdrew my offer of mediation to promote a positive outcome for the conversation between the Commission and Faith...
...even after George accepted it.
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I have no doubt that, even if I had served in my proposed role as intermediary, Faith would have rejected what George told me the Commission was planning to propose.
The Commission was determined that Faith accept a pastor, a condition Faith would not have accepted.
This is a rare moment that I wish I could do it over again, though I know the opportunity is lost forever.
I might have been an agent of grace and mercy.
And, I wasn't.
I regret that.
And, I confess it.
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