It's getting Hard for me to Care about the CGGC

I, honestly, to the depths of my being, believe that, "until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature..." that Jesus will give apostles, prophets, evangelists and shepherds and teachers to His disciples "to prepare the saints for works of ministry."

And, with that same conviction, I believe that I am one who is called to be a prophet.

I have many historical role models. Among them are several in particular of the Old Testament prophets. And, more particularly, several in the New Testament who prophesied, including John the Baptist and Agabus (who appears twice in the Book of Acts), and, more and more as I walk in my calling, John, the writer of the Book of Revelation, particularly as he detailed the message of Jesus to those seven churches.

And, I have several historical role models from what you'd probably call church history...but I'm certain Jesus doesn't. One of them is Martin Luther, another is John Winebrenner.

One aspect of this walk that fascinates me and challenges me is the fact that many prophets lived faithfully as prophets, and in the face of fierce, sometimes violent, opposition for many DECADES. And, that they kept on going...to the end.

I've been doing this for what? ten-ish years?

And, for most of that time, with vigor, in spite of opposition, in spite of the fact, if gossip is true, I've been defrocked even though I embrace every part of CGGC doctrine and mission...and live it out as sincerely and faithfully as I am able.

But, as I see no change in what CGGCers actually do, the shameless dissonance between talk and walk, and as I see the body's ongoing decline and decay and petrification continue, I have to admit that I feel like I'm hitting a wall.

It's, for the moment at least, not as easy for me to care as it had been...

...and I wonder at, and am amazed by the staying power of the prophets who are my role models.

I've been in this struggle against, well, apathy for a while and I have a thought: I'm thinking that my role models were motivated more by their love for the Lord than by their concern for the people to whom they prophesied.

One of my past failings, I'm realizing, is that, to this point, a significant part of my motivation has come from my love for the CGGC and it's people.

Certainly, I do love the Lord but, because I am so committed to the CGGC, the hard-heartedness of CGGCers hits me harder than I wish it would.

And, if my focus was more on, as Jesus said, "God's Kingdom and His righteousness," I doubt I'd be this flummoxed.

Don't despair though. I won't stop. I believe to abandon this calling is to abandon my salvation.

And, I do know that part of this is that I am emotionally drained by Evie's heart surgery and her lengthy recovery, not so long after she battled cancer and my dad's death last year and my mom's advance in her own journey in dementia.

I hope it won't be this hard to care about living in my calling always.