Mom and Dad: 9-17-15

We didn't join the Gathering last night.

Instead, my brother and his wife and Evie and I had a meeting with a social worker employed by the independent living community where my parents live.

Mom and dad are in a setting that provides "progressive care," which means that they are guaranteed to be placed in what we used to call assisted living and, ultimately, what used to be called the nursing home when their condition warrants.

Nevertheless, my dad is fiercely independent and would clearly not thrive in a setting in which he has less independence than he has now.

We asked for the meeting because our goal is to keep mom and dad in their independent living setting for as long as possible.

The social worker was very encouraging. She noted that, by definition, independent living, doesn't include many services and she explained what those services are and she described the private agencies that we could contact to offer assistance to mom and dad at a cost that far less than the next level of care provided by the retirement community. She assured us that she would work with us to keep mom and dad in the independent setting as long as it is safe for them and for others. (They already started one fire in their unit.)

The meeting itself was rather encouraging. However, when we met with mom and dad afterward to fill them in on some very simple things that we can do initially, they were resistant.

It is stressful and heartbreaking to try, together, to assure them of the best life we can provide for them and, then, to have our judgment distrusted.

I understand that it is difficult to be in the passive position they are in and what it must feel like for them to understand that their faculties are failing forever and that, at best, the quality of their lives will have to diminish. And, I don't really expect more from them. Nevertheless, this is very difficult.

So, we bagged the Gathering. What we are confident of is that when we gather again the others in the group will be a great source of encouragement, due to the intimate sense of community we share.

We benefit from the group even when we don't gather.