Missing Conference

I am not attending the 2014 ERC sessions.  I will miss the whole thing--with, by the way, a valid excuse passed on to me by Kevin Richardson.  I have a valid reason, I suppose, for my absence.  My job keeps me away.  I will be working every day ERC is in session and I would have to pass up a large chunk of one week's wages to attend Conference.

While my excuse has been accepted and I know that I genuinely have to be a place other than Conference sessions, I am discovering that to be away from Conference is creating strong, mixed and unexpected emotions in me.

Among them are:

1. Guilt.  I know full well that, as an ordained minister in the ERC, I have taken vows in the name of the Lord, to the Conference.  Among the responsibilities that fall on me, as a result of taking those vows, is to attend annual Conference.  I take the vows I have made to the church, as an ordained clergyman, very seriously.  I believe that I am accountable to the Lord for the promises I have made to the ERC.  I also believe that, on the Day I stand before Him, I will give an account to Him for the way I have fulfilled the oaths I have taken.  Hence, for reasons that impact eternity, missing Conference is hard for me.
   
   In addition, a great part of the prophetic criticism I offer of Ed Rosenberry and his staff and, to a much lesser degree, of Kevin Richardson and his staff, is based on my conviction that they are obscenely unfaithful to promises they have made to the CGGC and that they hold themselves above the Eldership Covenant we all share--especially those among them who have taken CGGC ordination vows.  While I am convinced that my reasons for absenting myself from Conference are legitimate and based in what I have come to believe is important for me in living out my calling, and while my absence is excused, I will feel a twinge of guilt the next time I point to our leadership's acts of insubordination and their cavalier abuse of their Eldership Covenant with us.
2. Loss.  I have given up a lot in order to choose truth over relationship in my involvement in the CGGC.  There was a time when I counted Ed Rosenberry among my close acquaintances and when I numbered Justin Meier, Don Dennison and Lance Finley and Kevin Richardson among my friends.  There is no time in a year when I sense the loss of those cordial relationships and my isolation in the CGGC more than I do when ERC is in session.
   
   Last year, at ERC sessions, I was ignored by many who once greeted me warmly.  I was greeted coolly and only in passing by others.  The one person in the Conference who remains closest to me left after the first morning's session, never to return.  Another brother in spirit and prayer warrior never showed at all.  Two who had remained attentive, if not supportive, to my gift and calling took the opportunity to forcefully, yet lovingly, confront me over what they see as my errors in judgment in living out my gift and calling.
   
   The Spirit tells me that I have to contend for the gospel and its truth as energetically, uncompromisingly, tenaciously and faithfully as I am able and I know that I must do that because I will stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ one day.  Still, this is the moment in the year when I feel what I have lost.
   
   In the past year, I have come to feel the emotion packed into the writings and acts of the biblical prophets with great intimacy.  I feel their frustration and their sorrow, their fear for themselves and for those to whom they minister.  And I know the loneliness that Elijah expressed and the weeping Jeremiah engaged in.  Never do those feelings emerge and tempt me more powerfully than they do when my brother and sister Elders in the ERC gather.
3. Self-Pity.  Many have been the times when I've wanted to give in and to repent of what I am saying and doing, to confess to my CGGC brothers and sisters my sin of outside-the-CGGC-foldism and to promise to be a good pastor/parish priest, to preach sermons, to lead Bible studies to engage in ordinances and to provide some congregation with the best ecclesiastical products and services I am able to so a congregation can sit in its seats/pews and consume to its heart's content.  And, there are times when I blame Him for what I believe is His Spirit preventing me from doing that. 
   
   There are times when I so want to blame Him and pity myself.
   
   And, during this time, I am most tempted to place that blame and walk that path.

I wish my ERC brothers and sisters well in my absence.  It hurts not to be with them.  I have read the email about repentance.  I hope they begin that journey.  I hope they find their way.

Blessings.

For His Kingdom,


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